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This guest post was written by Dr. Ali Hill, a business leader, Sociologist, and mom. She works with individuals and groups to harness the power of authenticity and empathy to establish successful businesses, thriving communities, and happy families. For more ideas on how to build meaningful connections with the people who matter most, log onto www.dralihill.com.
As a parent, you are the leader of your family. Whether it seems like it or not, you are powerful. And as Uncle Ben famously said to Peter Parker in Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
When it comes to the responsibility of setting the tone for how your family members interact, the most important behaviors for you to model are to talk with your kids rather than at them, and to resist the temptation to yell, even when you have reached your personal patience limit.
I know that this is easier said than done. When somebody is screaming and losing it in front of you, it takes real willpower not to follow suit. However, this is exactly when you need to respond rather than react.
Here’s a way to stay in control:
When you feel yourself getting sucked into the screaming vortex, look down at your hand – either one is fine. Use the fingers on your hand as a reminder to take five deep breaths, for at least five seconds. This pause enables you to focus and regroup. It also does some other important things. First, the deep breathing slows your heart rate and keeps your adrenaline levels from climbing. Second, it gives you at least five seconds to think about how you want to respond thoughtfully, rather than react without thinking.
There is something very powerful in this five second pause. Not only does it keep you from getting into an argument that you didn’t want to be part of in the first place, it also gives you a chance to rationally work through the issue. By not raising your voice, you have avoided the fight or flight response, and all the other counter-productive ways the mind and body respond to the stress of yelling.
Now, what happens if you succeed in staying calm, but your kids don’t stop yelling? At this point, I would recommend that you look them in the eye and say something like, “I don’t like it when you talk to me that way. Either take a few breaths and do whatever you need to do to calm down – I’ll wait – or I’m walking away from this interaction.”
This shows them that you are paying attention and taking them seriously. However, it also makes it clear that if they won’t stop, you are done with the conversation. If you can safely leave them alone, you should. And remember, as the leader in your family, you take the power with you when you walk away.
While this may be hard to do, it is important to remember that screaming matches with your kids have real, long-term consequences, both in terms of your relationship with them and their relationships with others.
When it comes to your relationship, if all of you are always screaming, everyone is going to be a lot less likely to open up, trust, be vulnerable, or engage in conversations that are difficult. Same goes for relationships outside your family. Once your kids come to associate close relationships and/or hard conversations with the trauma of yelling, they might avoid either (or both). If they hesitate to connect and interact in order to prevent yelling, they will miss out on friendships, relationships, jobs, and many other important opportunities.
As their parent, I know you want to set them up for success. Make today the first day you choose to stop yelling, and start developing stronger relationships with your kids.
These are amazing tips! I don’t have children of my own but have been in charge of kids before and could’ve definitely used some of these methods! Thanks for sharing 🙂
So glad you found the tips helpful.
Angela | Natural Born Mommy says
Great advice! Giving a reaction can often increase a child’s yelling or poor behavior, so I agree that responding calmly is a much better approach. I teach parents that sometimes ignoring just during and immediately after the behavior (unless it is unsafe or allows the child to get out of something) before giving a response can help the child to see that his yelling or inappropriate behavior is not getting him anywhere, plus it allows the parent to take a moment to pause and think about his or her response.
As a parent myself, I know that it is much easier said than done, of course… haha. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, it’s tough in the heat of the moment, but important tips for sure.
Great advice. I don’t have kids, but this is certainly something I will keep in mind if I choose to have them in the future!
I needed to read this this morning. I’ve never been a yeller until my middle child turned two. I’m embarrassed to admit I lose my cool with him the most. Thanks for sharing this encouragement.
I hope that these tips help you in the future.
Elizabeth says
What a great rule 🙂 I had a shouty parent and know it causes damage. If the situation continues, I also try to change the situation - all go out for a walk, let’s make hot chocolate etc etc. Brings a bit of perspective.
Those sound like great ideas. Thanks for sharing.
You’ve provided so much insight. As a new mama, I need to utilize that 5 second pause more often. Thanks for sharing!
This is completely true especially in traditional homes where the “Do as I say” and “Don’t speak back” mentality still holds!
Good advice
I love the idea of looking down at your hands as a visual reminder to calm down and think things through. It’s easy to get frustrated and want to tell but that accomplishes absolutely nothing. Thank you for sharing!
Great advice
Yelling gets us nowhere and time outs don’t work either. Though sometimes I have to put myself in a timeout to stop me yelling at the kids. Initially, I felt bad about walking away from them but now I realise some space can help to calm the situation.
This is great. I believe that kids should be spoken to instead of yelled at and vice versa. I know it’s hard to contain your anger when you’re upset, but I think this was very helpful.
Good and true advice. I used to yell at my kiddo when she misbehaved or bugged me to death. I realize now that my yelling at her became the voice in her head. I knew I wouldn’t want that voice in mine, so why should she have it? I started changing and implementing some of the things mentioned above and have seen a major difference in her confidence and overall demeanor.
I have a 4 years old niece and sometimes she drives me crazy however I prefer not to yell at kids but she always tests my patience. This blog post is really helpful! Thanks for shring.
Unstoppable info in this post. Cheers!
Great advice. I don’t really have an issue with this yet, as my daughter is only 2.5 but I will keep these tips in mind for when she gets older. Counting to 5 is a great idea.
I love these tips. Never thought about the long term consequences that screaming can have on kids. Something I will try to remember together with the 5-second pause idea, brilliant to collect the thoughts.
Well I think it’s quite hard not to yell to kids.. maybe most parents do this. However we as parents need to learn about not screaming this way.. since it would develop quality relatonship with our children..